There is so much new in my life, and not only new but a re-defining of my foundations. I live in the city with a girl, and have a boyfriend who tells me he loves me. I have a career in choral music education at a middle school in the subs and make the commute to and from the city daily. I attend a church that is founded in teaching scripture and geered towards a young bohemian-type congregation and yet I find myself unable to get plugged in because of my lifestyle.
I went to service this morning and at every moment I wanted to connect my heart and mind with the Spirit of God I felt guilt; I felt hypocrytical; I felt shallow; I felt as if I shouldn't have come. It was an uneasy feeling. And now as I lay here on my coke stained love seat I wonder how far from God this life will actually lead me and what kind of man that will make me. Will I in 10 years come to the end of myself and stumble back to Jesus only to cycle through another time of feeling incomplete?
I wish I could see the end from the beginning. I wish I could follow Jesus on my own terms, but I realize that's not how it works. I've come to the point in my life where I have let go of certain convictions and compromised my beliefs in order to be happy. I don't know if my choices are right, but they are the best i can make now. But....I am happy, even though I don't have the answers.
1 comment:
Mike,
You know that we all feel the way you describe in church sometimes. I belive that's the Holy Spirit. I think too many people go to church to feel better about themselves and come out disappointed. When your heart is open, you don't always leave feeling good. Please don't let that feeling keep you away. You have a good heart and a desire to know the Lord. He wants to use you, Mike. Let Him use you where you are :) Love you!
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