I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up to the same. I had hoped I would never feel this way again but here I am devastated by another personal failure. I really believed this would work out. Then it just got so hard, and in a flood of emotion over three days it became seemingly insurmountable. I don't think I ever realized how much I anticipated talking to him until this morning. Knowing that he won't call when he gets out of class or after dinner to tell me he regretfully ate too much or at bedtime being the last comforting voice I hear before I go to sleep, as if by saying goodnight all will be well. I wonder what he's doing now as I've been glued to this bed for days or if he misses me. I wonder if he wants to pick up his phone and call as much as I do or if this really is the end of us. With each passing hour it becomes more real more distant and more hopeless.

I didn't want to sleep in my bed last night because the empty space reminded me of his absence and I couldn't bare the thought of him being gone. So I curled up in the dark closet as if I was trying to hide from the pain. All I could think about was the no mores. No more Christmas together, no more birthdays, I won't be there when he graduates to hug his neck and tell him how proud I am of him for finishing, no more keeping him awake with my snoring and seeing him be grumpy the next morning cause he didn't sleep well. No more ear plugs or cat allergies, no more trips to whole foods. No more driving to Austin knowing that I won't be racing to his door. No more laughing or crying, no more saying it's gonna be alright sweetie........he's gone.

I think a breakup should kill you. Like a car crash and in an instant it's all over. But it doesn't and the pain just lingers. I feel incapacitated, I feel wrecked, crippled, I feel battered and abandoned. I can't believe that we were created to withstand feeling such degrees of emotion. I feel like I've been shot and the life within me is pouring out. I miss him. And now, once again I have to pick up the pieces of a love lost and try to tell myself with less belief and with growing skepticism that one day it will all work out. Because the truth is I don't know if I can do this again. I don't know how I can love again, and I am left here to cope with it all.