It's cold in my room, and although the one fan I have blowing is facing the wall I am still forced to bundle up tight with all 4 pillows and my thick comforter wrapped around and tucking me in. It's barely 8am but I've been stirring in bed for maybe 20 minutes. I woke up thinking about my ex. It happens from time to time that I will be overcome with nostalgia for people that have played significant roles in my life. I wonder immediately how they are doing and if life is better off without me. I wonder if they sometimes wake up thinking about me and what life would have been like had we stayed together, or if I was simply a passing tone in the song of their life. It's hard to hold someone in such esteem and to realize that they don't feel the same. Unrequited may be the hardest word to deal with in love. Love is frightening. I don't know how I could go through a breakup like this one again. The condition of my heart, of the human heart, I don't think is made to hurt with such intensity. It really makes you appreciate how God instructs relationships to be, guarding our hearts and our bodies until you have made a lifelong commitment to each other. That is how it works.
As much as I miss him, I don't think I ever want to see or hear from him again. I feel the same about Chris. I can only hope the best for him and move on.
1 comment:
Well as much as it would be nice to think I am the ex you are refering to, I realize I am not. There is a bit of freedom in that, but your posting takes me back to the mornings when I use to wake up thinking about you, missing your voice, missing the days when you were thinking of me and I of you. Time does heal all things, however there are those "What If" moments that I still have from time to time. As much as I hated the pain of know you had moved on and your love for me had grown cold, I would not take back one moment that I shared with you or the pain of letting go, for it is a part of me today and who I am as a better person for it. You once told me of a song called "Enough" and how you wondered if God would really be enough for you, I completely relate. I guess I have come to accept that "Yes" God will have to be enough for this short life and that living it out alone really is not so bad after you come to terms with it. Today my family (parents, cousins, aunts, uncles and so on) are the most important thing to me and I thank God for them every day. After lossing you I had to grow to love my family again. For a long time I blamed them for my lossing you. But God is good to us and always heals those broken places if we let him. Although I know I am not the ex you are refering to in your post, I still have a "What If" moment once in a while, maybe when I am driving home to a cold and empty house on a winters night, sitting alone at a wedding, or shopping at the food market for one wondering what it would have been like to have you next to me at the Christmas table, calling you the most important member of my family. I hope your heart heals, I know it will, as mine has. But never forget those special people you have shared life with, it is those people that make life rich. Merry Christmas friend and wishing you the very best in 09. Luv ya!
Post a Comment